[commercial for IKEA]
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
And bowling should be called pinball
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad