@1_swarthy_dude: 83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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@jakob_huber: Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Me: ha nice try I: excuse me? M: that's how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I'm not stupid.
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.