83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I am all good here, 😂😉
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Why are bridges so flammable.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head