@1_swarthy_dude: 83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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@PaperWash: me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove] robber: why are u wearing a glove me: I meant to grab my bat lol robber: lol
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@SondraDeeMe: If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she's high maintenance.
@shadygeekdad: I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"