83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked