83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Found the job I’m suited for
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*aggressively waits in line*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college