84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Pizza is an emotion right?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.