84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I was up all night reading about insomnia
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.