*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend