85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Um … Hot Wings please
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Cat is stressing him out.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.