85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
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Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying