@amydillon: 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
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@JediGigi: M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos H: Ma'am those aren't tattoos, they're freckles and you can't bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
@WilliamAder: If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
@TheDreamGhoul: [inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU