@amydillon: 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
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@DamonHunzeker: If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
@novicefather: Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff. Me: No I need the car.
@hero_ofthenight: If I worked at Starbucks I'd pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time. "I see you're drinking 2%, is that because you think you're fat?"
@stuckinaportal: *wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets* WE ARET HROUGH maybe it's an anagram *rearranges* ROUGH WEATHER whoa better pack an umbrella