@amydillon: 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
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@TheMichaelRock: If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
@tricycle_champ: [walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no
@VerifiedDrunk: Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.