85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
new year update: losing everything but weight
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral