85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
You Might Also Like
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
never deleting this app.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.