Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.