@jergarl: 87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
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@shadygrenade: Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right? Guy in front row: that's a ham. Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
@skickwriter: I've already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
@DistractedMomma: Turns out, telemarketers don't like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.