878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.