88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.