@jergarl: 89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
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@Leemanish: HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow.
@ArfMeasures: ME: This car's perfect except for one thing WIFE: Yes, there's no room for the childre- ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it's perfect
@k_lli: My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she's coming down with flu.
@aka_fatman: *writing résumé* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!