@jergarl: 89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
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@Spaziotwat: [The Second Coming] Jesus:"People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God's love an-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"
@mrjohndarby: Interviewer: So you say you think you'd make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that? Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
@SteveSuckington: It's amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.