Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.