89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
wish me luck lads
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am