89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out