So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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