[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
it’s finally my moment to shine
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain