8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.