Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
You Might Also Like
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”