8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
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Looking at you, Jesus.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.