8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise