Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.