8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
my mind
You just read my mind
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.