8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.