8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.