The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life