I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.