80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I know this now 😂
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Love this guy
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.