8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants