@marcgravell: 8yo: "I've put my tooth in my room but I'm not saying where - it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not" - this shit just got real
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@AbbyHasIssues: I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
@koalaslament: the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
@badbanana: Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I'm looking for the thumbs-down button.
@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.