8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You Might Also Like
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I am also baked goods
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now