8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You Might Also Like
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.