I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”