Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Just got to our Airbnb!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.