8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.