8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My first child will be named New Folder.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.