8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Social distancing in Australia:
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
#CoronaOutbreak