Perfect.
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???