8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me, reading some of your tweets