*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.