8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
spot the difference
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds