8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.