when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂