@ch000ch: 9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there's no wifi
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@ShortWhiteNUgly: An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn't buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.
@WilliamAder: To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
@SardonicTart: "OMG why am I so sore?" *Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday* "Oh right."
@jwoodham: Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."