9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.