Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

When you don’t understand how floors work

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.