Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Blew out my flip flop…
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Breaking news:
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.