PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Ghost costume 😂
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
So true for me
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily